WHY IS MY LIFE SO CONFUSING: SCHOOL. (15)

Fifteen... you've been nothing but ____ to me.

confusing

I'm failing math one day then the next I'll get 100 on my test. I want to good in school but then I lose the motivation for it. I KNOW I can get 100 on everything. If I try. If I study. If I just kick it into high gear and stop doodling hearts on my desk. I can do it. But I just don't know if I really really want to. If it's for me. I will never ever use 75% of my high school curriculum in my REAL life. So what's the point? What is the hair-pulling stress of studying all night long giving me but a lovely advanced regents diploma to frame and send off to multiple colleges. I'm glad I spend my time here, on Blogger or on Tumblr being inspired, seeing a glimpse of the world I very much want to divulge into. I'm glad I spend my time chatting hours away with my best friends I'll share my life with, with my cousin who is my sister to be honest, and with the person that might never know how much I really care for him. I'm glad I choose to watch rock-docs all night instead of obsessing over every little detail in my textbook. But then I get a talk from my parents, or from my high school's graduates telling me, "Yeah you shouldn't get INSANE about grades, but please please please try your best! You can get that 100." And lately, actually all my life almost, I've never known what my whole potential was. It's so freaking frustrating.

Some moments where I felt on top of the world (based on accomplishments):

- My first race at the Armory. (Y'know the one when afterwards I basically attacked you and you said "You tore that shit up man!" AND I COULDN'T OF BEEN HAPPIER. Wait... you're not reading this I should stop.)

- When I got the second highest grade on my Earth Science midterm last year. (Science is my least favorite subject)

- When I got the only 100 in my English class last week on this impossible quiz.

You see with my track accomplishment that mattered more to me, I can still come back to it and feel the way I felt that night. It lasted with me, and hopefully will last with me. With the grades they're just happy little moments. Nothing I'll tell my kids about or even remember.

There's so so SO many more confusing aspects of my life right now, so I'll definitely be posting more of these. Definitely.

:/

Song stuck in my head today: "What A Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong (so many great covers of this... but sticking with the original today)

Keep on keepin' on,

Madison