WHY IS MY LIFE SO CONFUSING: SCHOOL. (15)

Fifteen... you've been nothing but ____ to me.

confusing

I'm failing math one day then the next I'll get 100 on my test. I want to good in school but then I lose the motivation for it. I KNOW I can get 100 on everything. If I try. If I study. If I just kick it into high gear and stop doodling hearts on my desk. I can do it. But I just don't know if I really really want to. If it's for me. I will never ever use 75% of my high school curriculum in my REAL life. So what's the point? What is the hair-pulling stress of studying all night long giving me but a lovely advanced regents diploma to frame and send off to multiple colleges. I'm glad I spend my time here, on Blogger or on Tumblr being inspired, seeing a glimpse of the world I very much want to divulge into. I'm glad I spend my time chatting hours away with my best friends I'll share my life with, with my cousin who is my sister to be honest, and with the person that might never know how much I really care for him. I'm glad I choose to watch rock-docs all night instead of obsessing over every little detail in my textbook. But then I get a talk from my parents, or from my high school's graduates telling me, "Yeah you shouldn't get INSANE about grades, but please please please try your best! You can get that 100." And lately, actually all my life almost, I've never known what my whole potential was. It's so freaking frustrating.

Some moments where I felt on top of the world (based on accomplishments):

- My first race at the Armory. (Y'know the one when afterwards I basically attacked you and you said "You tore that shit up man!" AND I COULDN'T OF BEEN HAPPIER. Wait... you're not reading this I should stop.)

- When I got the second highest grade on my Earth Science midterm last year. (Science is my least favorite subject)

- When I got the only 100 in my English class last week on this impossible quiz.

You see with my track accomplishment that mattered more to me, I can still come back to it and feel the way I felt that night. It lasted with me, and hopefully will last with me. With the grades they're just happy little moments. Nothing I'll tell my kids about or even remember.

There's so so SO many more confusing aspects of my life right now, so I'll definitely be posting more of these. Definitely.

:/

Song stuck in my head today: "What A Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong (so many great covers of this... but sticking with the original today)

Keep on keepin' on,

Madison

Back to Basics: A Flower List Update

*Wow, can you believe this is the first and probably only update of February?! I only posted so far 9 times this month...*

Have you been able to cross things off your own 'Bucket List' lately?

0% said YES! (:

33% said No :(

0% said I don't have one.

0% said What's that?

0% said Yeah, but I don't have an official list. I've just done some cool things.

33% said I wiishhhh

and...

33% said One or two things :)

So in early February when I made this poll I made it so I could talk about how lazy I am, I'm making no true effort to accomplish come things on my bucket list when any day could be my last. Which is true. That's why I really am excited and anxious to get these thigns done because you don't know what life could throw at you. One day you're fine and the next maybe some freak accident happens while your at your friends house and next thing you know you can't walk anymore, or worse. It's sad to think about at time but it's the truth and no one ever said the truth was full of happy endings. It just stinks because I lot of these things I want to do involve tons of money I don't have or just the right moment or maybe just age. But, these thoughts were in early February. And now it's the 26th so, my mind is more at ease because I crossed off something exactly a week ago. If you'd like to know what it is or read about it click here. If not, enjoy your day! Come back soon and best of luck with your own list. :)

Song stuck in my head today: "Rock & Roll" by Eric Hutchinson

Keep on keepin' on,

Madison

My mind is not the place you want to be right now. I'm constantly up and down.

In the morning I wake up, I'm depressed. I want to watch the sunrise snug on my couch with a cup of tea. Not on the dead silent bus hitting potholes freezing my entire body off.

When I get to class I'm wondering why I've been such a grouch. I'm laughing my head off with my friends and my teacher is actually being really funny.

When I sit down in math, I'm depressed. I wonder why in the world I need to know how to prove ABCD a parallelogram. WHEN AM I GOING TO USE THIS? HOW WILL THIS STOP CHILD HUNGER? Let me know when you find out.

When I get to lunch, I'm depressed. Waiting on the lunch line by myself I remember why I hate this school. Dear gang of kids, I am not interested in hearing about the planning of your poker night or how you hooked up with so and so last weekend. I don't want to know you're grounded this week for having pot and I would really recommend you treat the lunch ladies with some more respect. After all they choose to put up with you for a living.

When I get to social studies, I'm wondering why I've been such a grouch. I'm laughing once again and creating great memories.

When I get to science, I'm wondering why I've been such a grouch. I'm with you.

When I get to art, I'm sorta depressed. I love love love my project but I hate hate hate hearing about your blow job while I'm trying to draw the London bridge. Ugh.

And throughout this whole crazy day I just think and think and think and think. Think about you, a lot. Think about why I'm here, a lot. And think about why I'm not doing something absolutely crazy and amazing and great right now. I'm stuck here. But I sort of like it. And I really hate it. I don't make any sense anymore and I'm constantly craving the summer. Constantly. I want the warm weather, I want to trade my cardigans for racer backs and my jeggings for cut up shorts. I want to go for a run without killing myself on the ice during the process. I want to have fun, and this tedious week is not for me.

Song stuck in my head today: how 'bout you just sit here and listen to my new playlist? (Added some stuff, deleted some songs that were wrong)

Keep on keepin' on,

Madison

Doesn't help you're freezing in your bed your blankets aren't enough

All you want is some one there, all you say is so

Love, Love, Kiss, Kiss, blah blah blah.

You're making me sick, I wish you'd just stop showing off

For the rest of us that no one wants to love

It's hard enough trying to drink another

Winter all alone

Love, Love, Kiss, Kiss, blah blah blah.

- Alkaline Trio "Love Love Kiss Kiss"

My new favorite type of people are the people that call winter their favorite season.

Lately, it hasn't been mine.

I try to go for a run yesterday, it stunk. The roads weren't paved, I jumped through mounds upon mounds of snow, and my throat was on fire. Colds are just a weekly occurrence in the winter. I've never hated the winter before, and I do not hate it now either, but I've never not liked it so much. It's making me feel bad.

I think winter tests you. Especially if you're alone. It gives you this harsh weather and says: will you stay in or out? If you stay in will it be to be lazy? Will you use me as an excuse to watch TV all day? Or to procrastinate? Or will you sit at home with your resources and be inspired? Will you learn about new countries, faraway ideas? Will you try to help people? Will you sit and think for a while and act on your mind? Think about it. With all the off time we have here and then in the winter, we could be sitting behind our computers not tweeting, or playing FarmVille but organizing charities, or doing something!

Or just go outside.





I go outside when I can't handle things. I go outside when everything inside is just to much. I go outside at every chance I get.


But not lately.


So maybe that's why this winter has seemed hard.


Today I visited my old middle school (old? oh gosh). I walked home the way I used to walk home every day last year. And I missed it. I missed the walk. I've walked everywhere else in this freaking town but I missed that walk. I missed it because it seemed routine. It was natural. I loved every second of it today. I had it great back then, being able to/from school every day. Doesn't everybody just need a walk once in a while? I swear, I was having such a bad day but visiting my old school and taking the walk home was one of the best things that happened to me today.


So next time you're in the dumps, please just talk a walk for me. Force yourself to. Wheter it be 105 degrees out or below zero. Sometimes we have to make ourselves do things.




Saw this picture when I searched for walk, I died. Hope you like it.(:


Song stuck in my head today: Link m'dears at the top...


Keep on keepin' on,


Madison

Back to Basics: A Flower List Update

Do you like where you live?

20% said GET ME OUT OF HERE.

10% said Yep, it's a nice place!

70% said Eh, it's a love hate relationship

0% said I'm never in one spot for long!

0% said It's ok (:

and...

0% said I love it!!

I have to deal with it everyday. Wheter it be browsing my Facebook newsfeed, or sitting in geometry:

"I hate this town!" "I can't wait until I leave." "When's graduation?" "Yeah, this town…definitely not my favorite place." "There's nothing to do here!" "Get me out of here!"

I'm not perfect. I hate this town too when I get into one of those crappy moods. But that's it: you can't let it get to you. I know you're wired right now with all this weird and for no good reason teenage angst and you can only see beyond the confines of your dramatic high school life, but please try to keep a hold of your emotions. I'm tired of hearing all these remarks about our town. I try to be optimistic in this life of mine. Look around you people, you live in a great place!!!! Believe it or not you're in one of the richest areas in the nation. My dad tells me allll the time, not to forget how crazy it is where we live. Go down south to Georgia or whatever you can buy a house twice the size of ours with half the price. Why maybe? It could be because we have an excellent school district, and a great location. So suck it up! I think living in an area where some of the surrounding towns were in the top ten Forbes list of most affluent areas is pretty damn good.

You still want to hear my rant against my town? Okay here it goes,

I hate the people here. I hate walking around the halls in school with this need to be perfect lingering above everyones heads. You created this aura Miss. Hunter boots, and yet you sit here day after day crying about your life. Your life draped in Tiffany jewelry and spring break trips to Europe. I have some advice for you then if you want to change. Stop pressuring yourself and everyone to be perfect, stop hooking up with guys that treat you like crap and are just thinking about your best friend while they're trying to get some with you. Stop being mean and judgemental towards people and maybe you'll get some true friends with less drama involved. Stop thinking your life revolves around Cheer, or that you're some Olympian because you can successful do a couple back hand springs or whatever. Stop posting pictures of yourself on Facebook drunk, don't talk about how your best friend lost her virginity to the same guy as you did and now she's copying you. What kind of freaking reputation do you think that's setting up for you? Stop hating this town. Because this town gives you everything wheter you realize it or not.

"We've got it good

Whether you like this town or not

I know it's small but with a big head

it's bound to get hot

In the summer

But the summer is a bummer

If you can't leave

This pathetic excuse for a town

That holds all your memories

A lifetime of crushes and your broken dreams..."

- Never Shout Never "Big City Dreams"

I love my town. I look for places in my town that are quirky and cool and you can escape from the town in there. They're there. Trust me, or my Schwinn. This town has given me great opportunities. This town has given me friends and memories that will last a life time. This town will always be waiting here back for me, unchanged I know it. Because it was the same old stereotyped town my Dad grew up in. It's here when I come back every weekend from my other home out east. It will be waiting here for me when my plane from London lands in at JFK, sometime soon I hope! It will be here when I show my kids where I grew up. Maybe where I met their dad, or maybe where they'll be living. Who knows.

My father said "Son, we're lucky in this town,

It's a beautiful place to be born.

It just wraps its arms around you,

Nobody crowds you and nobody goes it alone"

"Your flag flyin' over the courthouse

Means certain things are set in stone.

Who we are, what we'll do and what we won't"

- Bruce Springsteen, "Long Walk Home"

Song stuck in my head today: two links for you inn this post already set up and ready to go! go find 'em :)

Keep on keepin' on,

Madison

Hate To Break It To Ya...

How often are you honest with people? I feel like I need to sit some of my friends and have some 'heart-to-hearts' with them. For multiple reasons...


1. You know how you vow never to turn into a certain type of person? What if you do, or your friend does. It seems like at a certain point in our lives we turn into the people we say we won't. Well it's not a big deal to me I guess, it's just very annoying. I'll let you live your life, sort through some things, you're not doing anything harmful! Just getting on people's nerves with your fake 'creativeness' and back stabbing.



2. If you heard people saying something about your friend do you have to tell them? What if you knew how they'd react to it? They'd a.) brush it off, people don't really effect them b.) get concerned you thought something about them, that's why you're bringing it up. I'm stuck between telling a friend something, what they're doing really doesn't bother me but some people think it's weird so I don't want them to get hurt. I'm so confused! What would you do? Would you want to know if someone said something about you? For me it depends what they're saying I guess.


Okay, thanks for letting me express these feelings lame blog post you might say but I needed to get this out. Ugh life is so frustrating!

Shout out to Alana Epstein (click meee!) for this er, collaboration blog post? Haha! (1. is Holga BTW Alana ☺)

Song stuck in my head today: "Rollerblades" by Eliza Doolittle


Keep on keepin' on,


Madison

HELLO

Okay, so much to say so much to say so much to say! I have all these crazy thoughts spinning around in my head and I can't wait to get them down onto TFL because then I can make room for new ones! (Yes I just abbreviated my own blog, no I don't care!)

First off, there's been a lot of changes with the physical appearance of the blog lately, if you haven't noticed! But one I'd like to just point out for a sec is to your right ----> if you have a Facebook, which I'm sure you do. Click like! That way if you don't have a blogger and aren't friends with me you can still be up to date on the latest TFL (here I go again!) posts without constantly checking back here (I know you doooo) or without me constantly making it my status. Sound like a plan superman?

Hmm.. what else.

Oh yeah! Now that track's ended I'm already booked up for the off season with my school's drama program. I made it into the play! This year we're doing Once Upon a Mattress and even though things have been slow so far with it (only one rehearsal in two weeks...?) and I really miss track a break from late nights is always nice and I'm sure drama will get better!

So between Pretty Little Liars which is on RIGHT now and trying to get everything else sorted out for school tomorrow I have to go but plentyyy of posts to come this week. :) Arrivederci!

Song stuck in my head today: "Make It Mine" by Jason Mraz ♥

Keep on keepin' on,

Madison

I'm sitting in science today and I turn to stick out my tongue to my friend sitting beside me. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at me.

I try to imagine what she's thinking in her head. I think she's probably realizing that my friend and I haven't changed in the three years. I used to be friends, we both used to be friends with this girl but things went wrong and suddenly I was the cause of her losing some good relationships because I couldn't leave my angry trap shut. I had my reasons, but I took advantage of them. So as she turns her head while I tease my friends I assume she's thinking "They're still the same silly friends I left in 6th grade", but she just asks me what the design was on my shirt. They were flowers, or something like that.

It was weird. For a moment there I felt like I could be standing in the doorway of room 308 in my size 8 Converse. The ones I was so proud of in 6th grade, the ones I didn't get a speck of dirt on for a week until I made the realization the grungier they looked the better. I saw myself, 15 year old me sitting in a classroom learning about neurons and trying to think of something better to do. Me, goofing around with my friend and reminiscing on my times with my old friend.

I wondered what 6th grade me would think of 9th grade me. What size 8 black Converse would think of size 10 Kate Spade red rain boots. I could give you a guess. She'd be wondering how awkward it was sitting next to my old friend in class, she'd be so excited I was sitting next to the boy I had the biggest crush on, and she'd be wondering what high school is like. I can answer that for her, or me rather.

Dear 12 year old Madison (oh look there you are^),

It is sort of weird sitting next to her in class. I mean there's time I want to stop between cell labeling worksheets and apologize for how things ended up, and how she's been, how we've all been. Things like that. But otherwise she's changed, she has her own friends now, she keeps to herself. She seems fine and I don't think she holds a grudge against me, us? As for the guy that's sitting next to me. Familiar I hope. Don't get too excited there chicky. I wish I could've let you - me - known before hand that disappointing outcome. Anyways, high school? I have to give you credit kid. You had the right idea after all. I don't want you to start thinking pessimistically, but you were right, the school sucks. I mean don't get me wrong! We love certain parts of it, winter track, meeting new people. But you were correct about the overall atmosphere being better 'up north'. Don't worry though, we still have time to turn things around. I need you though. I need you to open my eyes back up. To show me who I am again, because things have grown a little fuzzy and you - I - had everything really sorted out back then.

From,

You

Song stuck in my head today: "Your Song" cover by Ellie Goulding (Thanks All The Time In The World!)

Keep on keepin' on,

Madison

Back to Basics: A Flower List Update

What are your feelings about the New Year?

0% said It makes me sad.

25% said I love it!!

0% said Doesn't really matter

25% said I always get my hopes up too high for a good year

25% said I always break my resolutions

0% said It's too much fuss and commotion

and...

25% said It's fine :)

I used to HATE the New Year when I was little. It was the worst holiday for me. I cried when it came, I didn't want to leave 2005 or whatever year it was then. I remember sitting in my room or on the staircase in my house and for a couple minutes just crying and crying. I was in this major Peter Pan stage as I like to call it. Life frightened me, a lot. I would get anxiety thinking about the next school year, or my birthday. I did not want to think about growing up at all and death seemed to be always in mind. I don't know if I've ever told this to anyone. But I remember once at dinner I couldn't stop thinking about dying and I got so worked up and my mom had to bring me to the bathroom in the restaurant we were eating out and try to get the sense in my head back where it belonged, but I couldn't express my feelings to her. I was pretty messed up in 3rd grade! I kept all these journals from that year and into 4th grade and you just notice these crazy entries where I almost seemed depressed and a lot of it had to do with growing up.

Do I want to grow up now? Eh, I guess. I'm not as scared now obviously but sometimes I'll slip back into my old Saucony black and red sneakers for a while, and I'll start thinking about it. Non stop. I know to pull myself out of it now, but still it's weird though isn't it? Life? I mean we're all just going to die, does anything even matter?

Don't worry! I'm not getting all emo or whatever label you're putting on me right now, I'm just analyzing.

Song stuck in my head today: Dunnoooooo

Keep on keepin' on,

Madison

Today is Appreciation Day

Lately I've been walking around my house with a smile on my face.

Lately I've been shivering with happiness with every funny joke, good snack, and great moment I live.

Lately I've been sitting in my room just laughing to myself.

Lately I've been having these awesome days.

And lately I've been really stopping and saying: Wow, life is good.

I'm not saying that my life has been nothing but perfect lately but October does seem to give me nothing but good every year! So I just wanted to remind everyone to cherish every moment and start thinking positive if you already don't! There's always a time to start living life with a happier demeanor. Focus on the good things life give you for it takes a stronger person to appreciate the smaller and more meaningful things in life than to sit around and whine about their troubles. Bad experiences seem to stick in our heads stronger than the small blissful ones sometimes so start focusing on things you're grateful for (like The Flower List!). Maybe by going back and looking at old photos, videos, journals or letters can help you relive the great moments you've had but don't think more won't come!

Song stuck in my head today: "Pack Up" by Eliza Doolittle <--- CLICKKKK

Keep on keepin' on,

Madison

Woes of A Wannabe Drop Out

You could say I only feel this way because school started less than a month ago and I'm feeling those new school blues, or maybe you think all kids/teens are mindless school hating robots. But as I'm sitting there 4th period, learning how to prove triangles congruent in Geometry I stop and think: Will I EVER use this again? The answer is always, no. I realize that you need to learn these things because you never know where your life can take you but there comes a certain point where I've realized that I'm not going to be a mathmetician, and architect, or anything to do with science! Time is precious and and I shouldn't be wasting it in an acne-infested classroom learining cell structure and pythagoreom theorem. I should be out there enjoying life, helping others, and pursuing things that make ME happy! Not the people grading the SATs. I don't give a damn about scalene triangles or how Egyptians farmed.

I'm not going to be here for that long, and I don't want to look back on life and see that I spent so much time freaking out on miniscule things like how well I memorized the functions of the cell membrane. I want to be able to live a lavish life in the future but why must all this unecessary work be involved?! I'm sick of just going with the ebb and flow of school work. Look at all the people who've dropped out and were able to pursue their dreams and become super successful! Half the people we apsire to be or look up to don't even have a high school diploma. It's always nice to have a fall back but shouldn't you pursue what you want and not what's most reliable but boring?

"Hours on the phone making pointless calls
I got a desk full of papers that means nothing at all
Sometimes I catch myself staring into space
Counting down the hours 'til I get to see your face

Why must I spend my time
Filling up my mind
With facts and figures that never add up anyway?
They never add up anyway"

- "Hey Julie" by Fountains of Wayne

Song stuck in my head today: hmm.....

Keep on keepin' on,

Madison

Career of Choice: People Watcher

I have a thing for people. As weird as that sounds. I just have found it interesting the past year and a half to sit, listen and watch. Observing your surroundings and people with you can teach you so much about those individuals in particular or just humans in general.

My friend and I always joke around that we should be people watchers. We'll burst out in laughter constantly noticing little things people do. I mean come on, people are just way too interesting! There's always a different story. You might hear some repeats but they all come with a twist. Everyone has opinions, dreams and experiences they want to share but just might want to share them when they get an opportunity to; rather than just randomly start sharing their life story. I like giving people that opportunity. Maybe that's just the writer coming out in me. I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but I know writing what you know is the best. And I am constantly seeing things that I could put to paper, throwing in crafty metaphors and imagery.

I also think 'people watching' has turned me into the equal rights person I am. I mean, you may think you know someone but until you really study them, or give them the opportunity to really express themselves you can't judge. And, even with studying people you can get some things wrong! Trust me, it's happened.

I guess, depending on what it is. People can fascinate me very easily. Today I had an orchestra class, but my teacher wasn't there. So the substitute we had let us have a free period because he was 'handicapped musically'. Some people did homework, most talked and some people practiced their instruments for the upcoming onslaught of NYSSMA thingys. What do you call it, an appointment? A judging? Well I sat and talked for a bit, attempted to do homework but I was without a textbook and then I started hearing this great tune from the piano. This girl I'm friendly with and went to the same elementary school with, was playing the piano from the beginning of the period. She was really good and she was playing familiar songs. I don't know the titles of any, but they were classical and I bet you'd know them too. But then she started playing something else. It sounded like it'd fit great in a contemporary pop album but yet I didn't know the song. I walked over and she was singing too; something about how it would work out if 'we pulled it together' and I didn't recognize it at all! I thought, 'Wow she must've written it herself then!'. But as I heard more verses I shook my head, knowing that was too good to be true.

Turns out, she did. She wrote the lyrics and composed all the music by herself. And she had four full songs. I mean full. Everything flowed seamlessly, there were no choppy parts where you could tell she still hadn't figured the right notes out and she sounded pretty damn good.

I don't know about you, but even though I have musical talent I doubt I could do what she was doing. I mean, it took her two days to accomplish some of these songs, and some only two hours since she really concentrated! I've tried writing songs - long before I had my own piano, regardless - and I don't think I ever could've come up with what she did. I mean, I always got some good stuff down but after that I was at a lack of ideas. Everything always seemed so repetitive after that. Everyone - well everyone who was smart enough to listen it! - loved her songs. I was blown away. So, I basically started interviewing the girl! I was really intrigued and I needed some answers to the millions of questions about her thought process that were dancing in my head. She told me first she gets a simple tune going, then she adds the lyrics. After that, she trys her best to transfer the tune to the piano. She has all the songs written down and she wrote them without any help, even though she showed the songs to her piano teacher who she was expecting criticism from and her teacher loved them the way they were.

I guess I like interviewing people. But not people who are famous already. Because you hear those stories all the time. I'd be the kind of reporter just interviewing people on the street. But, I don't think there's a very big field for that. So, it's just facing another road bump in my career options. Like I haven't faced enough already!

Live with your eyes wide open

(Here's a picture of my eye world!)

As for Glee, I can't wait to watch tonight! I don't know the full line-up of songs or who sings them, but I do know of a few we'll be hearing...
"A House is Not a Home"
"Fire"
"Beautiful"
"One Less Bell to Answer/A House is Not a Home"
Remember to read tomorrow all you gleeks. Thanks for the poll votes and the one comment, (Sam!). (:

Song stuck in my head today: "A-Punk" by Vampire Weekend

Keep on keepin' on,

Madison